Unconditional Love

I find myself very frustrated at the moment. Frustrated with the lack of compassion in our country for our fellow man. We love our celebrities when they are on top and when they fall...we love to laugh at them. We rejoice in their hardship. It makes me sick.

What really frustrates me is the people I see doing most of the laughing and hating are my Christian friends. The ones who are supposed to have the unconditional love. Compassion and caring. Is God laughing at Charlie Sheen right now? Or is God sad and heartbroken for his situation? Charlie Sheen is human. Do I think his actions are okay? No. Of course not. But I don't think it's laughable and I don't think we should be condemning him.

What has happened to us? It makes me mad and sad at the same time.

Riding the Wave

Life has been so busy. I feel like I have been trying to catch up with it. Work is absolutely insane. Aside from serious work drama, I have a huge project that is keeping me from doing my regular work. It seems I have 2 full time jobs. I am so behind on my regular work that I have started putting in some longer days for mental wellness. Getting caught up will take some of that pressure off me.

I haven't been to yoga, partially because of all the work hours, I guess. I have to admit I haven't really made much effort to go either. I am not sure why. I know when I go it feels great but lately I have noticed a pattern that after I go strong for about 2 weeks I am hit with a bout of fatigue that takes me out. I have adrenal fatigue. That's a long story but I have been treating it with supplements and I seem to be getting better, but I have to be careful about putting undo stress on them. Sometimes I wonder if the Bikram is too much for them or if it's just me.

My studio seems to have a problem with the heat. I haven't been to another studio so I don't have anything to compare it to. I am not the only one who notices or has said anything. Sometimes the temp gets up to 112-116.  There is a new place near my house that has "hot yoga" and they offer 90 and 60 minute classes. I was thinking I might give it a try and see how they do and if it is a better option for me.

As far as food and dieting...I really wonder if I will be on this journey forever. I haven't been doing very well on the WW. I have learned something though. It's all about control. I will try to explain without being confusing.

I diet so I can be in control of my eating.
I quit dieting because I feel I am being controlled and I want to be in control of my eating.
My eating gets out of control, and I don't like being out of control
I diet so I can be in control of my eating.

WTF!? I really don't know what to do about all that. I am going to have to talk to my counselor...messed up that's all I know.

Despite it all, I have been feeling good energy wise and mood wise. For me that is my biggest challenge. So I'll take it.

Pressure

I am in the process of learning. I am learning not to put pressure on myself to be perfect. Not to put pressure on myself to be like others.

Lately I haven't been able to get to yoga as much as I would like. When that happens I start with the mind games. I hear that voice, "you're lazy, you're not good enough, you're a failure."
But this is simply not true. I am me.

I have my own set of challenges and my own set of issues that I deal with. I should not compare myself with others. The fact that I go to yoga at all is amazing given my past regarding exercise. Who am I doing this for anyway? Myself.

I am not naturally athletic and not a person who naturally craves Kale Smoothies. So I am proud for the accomplishments I have made.

Last week I joined Weight Watchers, as a guideline not a diet. I have joined it before but I am doing it with a different mindset this time. I realize I talked about the diet roller-coaster before and so I am not using WW as a diet. I am working with my counselor and I am learning about reasons for eating when I'm not hungry. It's really interesting. I have lost 3lbs.

So I will continue my journey..learning and discovering. It's not about perfect, it's about practice. Not just in my yoga but in my life.

I Have More To Say

I just took some time to read my old posts. An interesting look at who I am and where the last few years have taken me. I have learned a lot in these past few years and I find that exciting because I didn't realize it until I looked back at this blog.

One thing I do believe is the yoga will help me in many ways. It certainly will help with the mental battles I have. I know that for a fact. It will help with my physicality. It will help in the way I think about myself, and others for that matter.

Another thing I have learned is the reason for eating. I wrote previously about my urge to eat popcorn while watching movies. Eating mindlessly is a distraction from experiencing feelings. When a person is busy eating, they aren't feeling. However, when the eating is done the feelings are still there and also other feelings of disappointment in self, anger at self, and sadness. It's not just eating that people use for distraction. People use shopping, smoking, alcohol, drugs, video games, internet, and many other things to avoid feelings. I am learning to be willing to sit and feel. If I have anxiety, for example, food is not the proper response to anxiety. Soothing is. Perhaps a hot bath. Quiet music. Bikram yoga. Or the best, sitting and experiencing the feeling. Learning how to feel without trying to fix it.

It's not easy. But I would rather learn this way than be on the diet roller coaster which has cost me ten's of thousands of dollars. Sad thing is, I began dieting when I really wasn't even overweight.

I need my yoga. It will be my sanity through my learning process. I want to be dedicated to the point it is automatic to show up at that studio each day. I will get there. I will.

Frustrations

After regular practice I have once again gotten sick. A cold I guess. It's so frustrating because it interrupts my practice. I know other people can seem to practice when ill but for me I can't. So I drink lots of water and wait. I am keeping my mind focused on my practice and waiting till I can get back to it, but I can't help but thinking about what a set back it is.

I am in the process of learning to let it go. A large part of the practice is mental, right? Learning to overcome the negative thoughts. At least for me that is part of it. Getting out of the mind game. For now, I will give myself permission to heal and then when it's time I will get back on my mat and continue my practice.

I am thankful for all my fellow yogi's who blog. Because it gives me something to focus on, aspire to and read while I am down. Thank you, you know who you are.

Regular Practice

I have been attending class regularly for 2 weeks now. In 2 weeks I have discovered how fast my strength and flexibility grow. It makes me regret taking off 2 months, though it wasn't planned, it just happened.

I'm back now and I really want to keep it going. Yesterday I was able to go longer before I needed a Savasana. I was able to balance longer in Eagle and Bow. I didn't fidget as much between postures. the best part is the feeling afterward of course. The peace of mind, relaxation, and knowing I have done something good for myself.

I was able to continue my day with some relaxation without guilt because I had done something productive. I did get the kitchen super clean and made a roast in the crockpot. (which messed up the kitchen again.) But with the relaxation time, there wasn't the looming guilt that I should be doing something. Because I had done something. Probably the best thing I could do. Bikram yoga. Healing, energizing, relaxing, and stress relieving. All in 90 minutes. How easy is that?

Back to Bikram

During the holidays I had a hard time getting to class. Busy times of running around shopping and just doing stuff. The flu, and work.

Finally I am back and I am so glad. In this past week I have gone to class 4 times and I feel so good. My muscles are more relaxed, not carrying the tension they normally do. Honestly I don't even think I am aware of the tension they carry until I do the yoga and they relax.

Yoga makes me want to eat healthy. Although, it was funny last night. During class last night I kept thinking about eating a steak. I realize we burn a lot of calories but I guess it was an indicator I need to incorporate more protein in my diet.

Bikram is an experience. I think everyone should try it once. Hardest workout I have ever done. Even though I know how great it is after, I still do a battle in my mind about going. After I go I am happy I did.

So, today is a seminar. Then I will head back to the hot room tomorrow.

Find Something You Enjoy, Or Quit.

Photo courtsey of HotYogaDoctor.com

I think I will always be learning about food and my weight. I don't diet anymore, "dieting" I have discovered is toxic to my mind. I end up telling myself I am a failure and all sorts of negative things.
I have tried gym memberships over and over again only to quit going after a few weeks. Then something happened.

I read an article about exercise. If you find you keep quitting an exercise program it is probably because you don't like the exercise you are doing. SILLY, but I have never thought of it that way. I decided I needed to find something I would enjoy. Which I have.

I now practice Bikram Yoga. What an amazing process it has been. I don't diet, I just do my yoga. I have a long way to go. All I know is I have finally found an exercise that I am actually doing and staying with. I bought a year membership in May and I am still going.

Right now I am focusing on becoming even more dedicated to my practice. I am excited to see where this amazing practice can take me.