How Long?!

Okay so it's been awhile. Over two years to be quite blunt. I guess I have been busy adjusting to my new job. Not so new anymore but I love it just as much as I did when I started, more even.

Sydney is now 13. Very different than my last posting. She is an amazing 8th grader doing well in school. She recently scored 100% on the writing portion of the WASL, which is Washington's Assesment of Student Learning. I don't think it's an easy test and I am very proud of her. She want's to be an author and I do believe she will be.

What's been going on with me? I don't know how to catch up for 2 years so I won't try. I will hit high points and then try to be a better blogger. If I fail at blogging this time I just will have to realize I wasn't made to blog.

On July 3, 2008 I began a diet called Medifast. I have done every diet ever invented. I was so afraid to start this one because who wants to fail? But I was also desperate. I was 267lbs and 5'9". My BMI was 41 making me 'morbidly obese'. I was ashamed of my eating habits and my appearance. Fast forward to July 3, 2009, one year of dieting. I had lost 65lbs, down to 202 and dropped my BMI to 29. I was no longer 'morbidly obese' or 'obese' but just 'overweight.' I had tears. What an accomplishment. Only 35 more to go.

Then something happened..................

Depression. What an awful, awful thing to experience. Also a very misunderstood illness. Toward the end of July I started having trouble with my depression that had been under control for years. I couldn't get out of bed in the morning, almost not making it to work. Small tasks seemed so overwheming. By the end of the day I was so exhausted all I could do was come home and put my feet up. There went the diet. We had to eat microwave or drive-thru.

Now I know what a lot of people think...they say it to my face. "All you need to do is get up and go for a walk, you'll feel better." Those are the people that don't understand depression. You see, I wasn't "sad". I had nothing to be sad about. I was barley functioning though. I am not a lazy person and I was not using it as an excuse to not do anything. Depression is internal torture. Inside my brain I want to go for that walk, I want to clean my house, I want to get up without hitting the snooze button 6 times and being late everyday. I CAN'T. My body was craving quick energy, carbohydrates. I was cheating on the diet and then being so mad at myself making the depression worse. I finally stopped trying to do the diet all together until I could get the depression under control....that's where I am at right now.


[ Editing to add: Being that I have the diagnosis of Bipolar2 I would also like to add that I have never been hospitalized for anything related. I have never been arrested or went crazy doing irrisponsible things. I have raised a child by myself from the time she was 4. I went to college and worked at the same time. I have always provided a home and food. Obviously it hasn't been easy but I just want to say that the media can make those of us with a diagnosis look really extreme and that isn't always the case.]

I have gained about 20lbs. I hate it, but I feel I had no choice. I know there are those that won't ever understand, that's okay. I understand myself. I have been to several appointments with my doctor, made several changes in medication, and I am feeling sort of better but not 100%. I have a way to go but I am going to try to get back on track with Medifast.

Tomorrow is the day. I am afraid of failing. I am excited to feel better. I think that eating right helps with the energy level and how I feel about myself.

If you read this far....you are probably my mother. :)