I had a dream last night. I dreampt that I was really really fat. Much more overweight than I am. When I woke up it took me a while to realize that it was just a dream and not real. I guess I had this dream because of my struggle with the diet. I have not been able to adhear to it except for last Monday. So far so good today but today isn't over and I have had to talk to myself all day about why I am doing this.
The urge to eat popcorn or chips while watching TV is strong. I stayed busy most of the day so it was pretty good. But once I sit down, I want to eat. I have 2 Netflix to watch and for me part of the fun of watching them is eating while I do. I'm avoiding movies because of this. I just need to make it through about 3 days and then the cravings will go away. So many reasons to do this. Not only the way I look but the way I feel. the acid reflux. The fatigue. The allergy symptoms from processed foods. All sorts of other things, I'm sure.
I had energy this weekend more than I have in a long time. I think we may finally be getting the medication right. My thoughts seem to be more motivated and positive. I don't feel as defeated. I can only hope it continues like this. I always have a fear in the back of my mind that the depression will come back, so I hesitate to get too excited when I am doing well.
Sydney was sick for a week. It was hard deciding whether to take her to the doctor or not because it's usually viral. Finally on Friday I took her. It was viral. She is much better now.
I guess that's it. Sort of boring I think. But it serves it's pupose for me.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
How Long?!
Okay so it's been awhile. Over two years to be quite blunt. I guess I have been busy adjusting to my new job. Not so new anymore but I love it just as much as I did when I started, more even.
Sydney is now 13. Very different than my last posting. She is an amazing 8th grader doing well in school. She recently scored 100% on the writing portion of the WASL, which is Washington's Assesment of Student Learning. I don't think it's an easy test and I am very proud of her. She want's to be an author and I do believe she will be.
What's been going on with me? I don't know how to catch up for 2 years so I won't try. I will hit high points and then try to be a better blogger. If I fail at blogging this time I just will have to realize I wasn't made to blog.
On July 3, 2008 I began a diet called Medifast. I have done every diet ever invented. I was so afraid to start this one because who wants to fail? But I was also desperate. I was 267lbs and 5'9". My BMI was 41 making me 'morbidly obese'. I was ashamed of my eating habits and my appearance. Fast forward to July 3, 2009, one year of dieting. I had lost 65lbs, down to 202 and dropped my BMI to 29. I was no longer 'morbidly obese' or 'obese' but just 'overweight.' I had tears. What an accomplishment. Only 35 more to go.
Then something happened..................
Depression. What an awful, awful thing to experience. Also a very misunderstood illness. Toward the end of July I started having trouble with my depression that had been under control for years. I couldn't get out of bed in the morning, almost not making it to work. Small tasks seemed so overwheming. By the end of the day I was so exhausted all I could do was come home and put my feet up. There went the diet. We had to eat microwave or drive-thru.
Now I know what a lot of people think...they say it to my face. "All you need to do is get up and go for a walk, you'll feel better." Those are the people that don't understand depression. You see, I wasn't "sad". I had nothing to be sad about. I was barley functioning though. I am not a lazy person and I was not using it as an excuse to not do anything. Depression is internal torture. Inside my brain I want to go for that walk, I want to clean my house, I want to get up without hitting the snooze button 6 times and being late everyday. I CAN'T. My body was craving quick energy, carbohydrates. I was cheating on the diet and then being so mad at myself making the depression worse. I finally stopped trying to do the diet all together until I could get the depression under control....that's where I am at right now.
[ Editing to add: Being that I have the diagnosis of Bipolar2 I would also like to add that I have never been hospitalized for anything related. I have never been arrested or went crazy doing irrisponsible things. I have raised a child by myself from the time she was 4. I went to college and worked at the same time. I have always provided a home and food. Obviously it hasn't been easy but I just want to say that the media can make those of us with a diagnosis look really extreme and that isn't always the case.]
I have gained about 20lbs. I hate it, but I feel I had no choice. I know there are those that won't ever understand, that's okay. I understand myself. I have been to several appointments with my doctor, made several changes in medication, and I am feeling sort of better but not 100%. I have a way to go but I am going to try to get back on track with Medifast.
Tomorrow is the day. I am afraid of failing. I am excited to feel better. I think that eating right helps with the energy level and how I feel about myself.
If you read this far....you are probably my mother. :)
Sydney is now 13. Very different than my last posting. She is an amazing 8th grader doing well in school. She recently scored 100% on the writing portion of the WASL, which is Washington's Assesment of Student Learning. I don't think it's an easy test and I am very proud of her. She want's to be an author and I do believe she will be.
What's been going on with me? I don't know how to catch up for 2 years so I won't try. I will hit high points and then try to be a better blogger. If I fail at blogging this time I just will have to realize I wasn't made to blog.
On July 3, 2008 I began a diet called Medifast. I have done every diet ever invented. I was so afraid to start this one because who wants to fail? But I was also desperate. I was 267lbs and 5'9". My BMI was 41 making me 'morbidly obese'. I was ashamed of my eating habits and my appearance. Fast forward to July 3, 2009, one year of dieting. I had lost 65lbs, down to 202 and dropped my BMI to 29. I was no longer 'morbidly obese' or 'obese' but just 'overweight.' I had tears. What an accomplishment. Only 35 more to go.
Then something happened..................
Depression. What an awful, awful thing to experience. Also a very misunderstood illness. Toward the end of July I started having trouble with my depression that had been under control for years. I couldn't get out of bed in the morning, almost not making it to work. Small tasks seemed so overwheming. By the end of the day I was so exhausted all I could do was come home and put my feet up. There went the diet. We had to eat microwave or drive-thru.
Now I know what a lot of people think...they say it to my face. "All you need to do is get up and go for a walk, you'll feel better." Those are the people that don't understand depression. You see, I wasn't "sad". I had nothing to be sad about. I was barley functioning though. I am not a lazy person and I was not using it as an excuse to not do anything. Depression is internal torture. Inside my brain I want to go for that walk, I want to clean my house, I want to get up without hitting the snooze button 6 times and being late everyday. I CAN'T. My body was craving quick energy, carbohydrates. I was cheating on the diet and then being so mad at myself making the depression worse. I finally stopped trying to do the diet all together until I could get the depression under control....that's where I am at right now.
[ Editing to add: Being that I have the diagnosis of Bipolar2 I would also like to add that I have never been hospitalized for anything related. I have never been arrested or went crazy doing irrisponsible things. I have raised a child by myself from the time she was 4. I went to college and worked at the same time. I have always provided a home and food. Obviously it hasn't been easy but I just want to say that the media can make those of us with a diagnosis look really extreme and that isn't always the case.]
I have gained about 20lbs. I hate it, but I feel I had no choice. I know there are those that won't ever understand, that's okay. I understand myself. I have been to several appointments with my doctor, made several changes in medication, and I am feeling sort of better but not 100%. I have a way to go but I am going to try to get back on track with Medifast.
Tomorrow is the day. I am afraid of failing. I am excited to feel better. I think that eating right helps with the energy level and how I feel about myself.
If you read this far....you are probably my mother. :)
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