Unconditional Love

I find myself very frustrated at the moment. Frustrated with the lack of compassion in our country for our fellow man. We love our celebrities when they are on top and when they fall...we love to laugh at them. We rejoice in their hardship. It makes me sick.

What really frustrates me is the people I see doing most of the laughing and hating are my Christian friends. The ones who are supposed to have the unconditional love. Compassion and caring. Is God laughing at Charlie Sheen right now? Or is God sad and heartbroken for his situation? Charlie Sheen is human. Do I think his actions are okay? No. Of course not. But I don't think it's laughable and I don't think we should be condemning him.

What has happened to us? It makes me mad and sad at the same time.

Riding the Wave

Life has been so busy. I feel like I have been trying to catch up with it. Work is absolutely insane. Aside from serious work drama, I have a huge project that is keeping me from doing my regular work. It seems I have 2 full time jobs. I am so behind on my regular work that I have started putting in some longer days for mental wellness. Getting caught up will take some of that pressure off me.

I haven't been to yoga, partially because of all the work hours, I guess. I have to admit I haven't really made much effort to go either. I am not sure why. I know when I go it feels great but lately I have noticed a pattern that after I go strong for about 2 weeks I am hit with a bout of fatigue that takes me out. I have adrenal fatigue. That's a long story but I have been treating it with supplements and I seem to be getting better, but I have to be careful about putting undo stress on them. Sometimes I wonder if the Bikram is too much for them or if it's just me.

My studio seems to have a problem with the heat. I haven't been to another studio so I don't have anything to compare it to. I am not the only one who notices or has said anything. Sometimes the temp gets up to 112-116.  There is a new place near my house that has "hot yoga" and they offer 90 and 60 minute classes. I was thinking I might give it a try and see how they do and if it is a better option for me.

As far as food and dieting...I really wonder if I will be on this journey forever. I haven't been doing very well on the WW. I have learned something though. It's all about control. I will try to explain without being confusing.

I diet so I can be in control of my eating.
I quit dieting because I feel I am being controlled and I want to be in control of my eating.
My eating gets out of control, and I don't like being out of control
I diet so I can be in control of my eating.

WTF!? I really don't know what to do about all that. I am going to have to talk to my counselor...messed up that's all I know.

Despite it all, I have been feeling good energy wise and mood wise. For me that is my biggest challenge. So I'll take it.

Pressure

I am in the process of learning. I am learning not to put pressure on myself to be perfect. Not to put pressure on myself to be like others.

Lately I haven't been able to get to yoga as much as I would like. When that happens I start with the mind games. I hear that voice, "you're lazy, you're not good enough, you're a failure."
But this is simply not true. I am me.

I have my own set of challenges and my own set of issues that I deal with. I should not compare myself with others. The fact that I go to yoga at all is amazing given my past regarding exercise. Who am I doing this for anyway? Myself.

I am not naturally athletic and not a person who naturally craves Kale Smoothies. So I am proud for the accomplishments I have made.

Last week I joined Weight Watchers, as a guideline not a diet. I have joined it before but I am doing it with a different mindset this time. I realize I talked about the diet roller-coaster before and so I am not using WW as a diet. I am working with my counselor and I am learning about reasons for eating when I'm not hungry. It's really interesting. I have lost 3lbs.

So I will continue my journey..learning and discovering. It's not about perfect, it's about practice. Not just in my yoga but in my life.

I Have More To Say

I just took some time to read my old posts. An interesting look at who I am and where the last few years have taken me. I have learned a lot in these past few years and I find that exciting because I didn't realize it until I looked back at this blog.

One thing I do believe is the yoga will help me in many ways. It certainly will help with the mental battles I have. I know that for a fact. It will help with my physicality. It will help in the way I think about myself, and others for that matter.

Another thing I have learned is the reason for eating. I wrote previously about my urge to eat popcorn while watching movies. Eating mindlessly is a distraction from experiencing feelings. When a person is busy eating, they aren't feeling. However, when the eating is done the feelings are still there and also other feelings of disappointment in self, anger at self, and sadness. It's not just eating that people use for distraction. People use shopping, smoking, alcohol, drugs, video games, internet, and many other things to avoid feelings. I am learning to be willing to sit and feel. If I have anxiety, for example, food is not the proper response to anxiety. Soothing is. Perhaps a hot bath. Quiet music. Bikram yoga. Or the best, sitting and experiencing the feeling. Learning how to feel without trying to fix it.

It's not easy. But I would rather learn this way than be on the diet roller coaster which has cost me ten's of thousands of dollars. Sad thing is, I began dieting when I really wasn't even overweight.

I need my yoga. It will be my sanity through my learning process. I want to be dedicated to the point it is automatic to show up at that studio each day. I will get there. I will.

Frustrations

After regular practice I have once again gotten sick. A cold I guess. It's so frustrating because it interrupts my practice. I know other people can seem to practice when ill but for me I can't. So I drink lots of water and wait. I am keeping my mind focused on my practice and waiting till I can get back to it, but I can't help but thinking about what a set back it is.

I am in the process of learning to let it go. A large part of the practice is mental, right? Learning to overcome the negative thoughts. At least for me that is part of it. Getting out of the mind game. For now, I will give myself permission to heal and then when it's time I will get back on my mat and continue my practice.

I am thankful for all my fellow yogi's who blog. Because it gives me something to focus on, aspire to and read while I am down. Thank you, you know who you are.

Regular Practice

I have been attending class regularly for 2 weeks now. In 2 weeks I have discovered how fast my strength and flexibility grow. It makes me regret taking off 2 months, though it wasn't planned, it just happened.

I'm back now and I really want to keep it going. Yesterday I was able to go longer before I needed a Savasana. I was able to balance longer in Eagle and Bow. I didn't fidget as much between postures. the best part is the feeling afterward of course. The peace of mind, relaxation, and knowing I have done something good for myself.

I was able to continue my day with some relaxation without guilt because I had done something productive. I did get the kitchen super clean and made a roast in the crockpot. (which messed up the kitchen again.) But with the relaxation time, there wasn't the looming guilt that I should be doing something. Because I had done something. Probably the best thing I could do. Bikram yoga. Healing, energizing, relaxing, and stress relieving. All in 90 minutes. How easy is that?

Back to Bikram

During the holidays I had a hard time getting to class. Busy times of running around shopping and just doing stuff. The flu, and work.

Finally I am back and I am so glad. In this past week I have gone to class 4 times and I feel so good. My muscles are more relaxed, not carrying the tension they normally do. Honestly I don't even think I am aware of the tension they carry until I do the yoga and they relax.

Yoga makes me want to eat healthy. Although, it was funny last night. During class last night I kept thinking about eating a steak. I realize we burn a lot of calories but I guess it was an indicator I need to incorporate more protein in my diet.

Bikram is an experience. I think everyone should try it once. Hardest workout I have ever done. Even though I know how great it is after, I still do a battle in my mind about going. After I go I am happy I did.

So, today is a seminar. Then I will head back to the hot room tomorrow.

Find Something You Enjoy, Or Quit.

Photo courtsey of HotYogaDoctor.com

I think I will always be learning about food and my weight. I don't diet anymore, "dieting" I have discovered is toxic to my mind. I end up telling myself I am a failure and all sorts of negative things.
I have tried gym memberships over and over again only to quit going after a few weeks. Then something happened.

I read an article about exercise. If you find you keep quitting an exercise program it is probably because you don't like the exercise you are doing. SILLY, but I have never thought of it that way. I decided I needed to find something I would enjoy. Which I have.

I now practice Bikram Yoga. What an amazing process it has been. I don't diet, I just do my yoga. I have a long way to go. All I know is I have finally found an exercise that I am actually doing and staying with. I bought a year membership in May and I am still going.

Right now I am focusing on becoming even more dedicated to my practice. I am excited to see where this amazing practice can take me.

My Dream

I had a dream last night. I dreampt that I was really really fat. Much more overweight than I am. When I woke up it took me a while to realize that it was just a dream and not real. I guess I had this dream because of my struggle with the diet. I have not been able to adhear to it except for last Monday. So far so good today but today isn't over and I have had to talk to myself all day about why I am doing this.

The urge to eat popcorn or chips while watching TV is strong. I stayed busy most of the day so it was pretty good. But once I sit down, I want to eat. I have 2 Netflix to watch and for me part of the fun of watching them is eating while I do. I'm avoiding movies because of this.  I just need to make it through about 3 days and then the cravings will go away. So many reasons to do this. Not only the way I look but the way I feel. the acid reflux. The fatigue. The allergy symptoms from processed foods. All sorts of other things, I'm sure.

I had energy this weekend more than I have in a long time. I think we may finally be getting the medication right. My thoughts seem to be more motivated and positive. I don't feel as defeated. I can only hope it continues like this. I always have a fear in the back of my mind that the depression will come back, so I hesitate to get too excited when I am doing well.

Sydney was sick for a week. It was hard deciding whether to take her to the doctor or not because it's usually viral. Finally on Friday I took her. It was viral. She is much better now.


I guess that's it. Sort of boring I think. But it serves it's pupose for me.

How Long?!

Okay so it's been awhile. Over two years to be quite blunt. I guess I have been busy adjusting to my new job. Not so new anymore but I love it just as much as I did when I started, more even.

Sydney is now 13. Very different than my last posting. She is an amazing 8th grader doing well in school. She recently scored 100% on the writing portion of the WASL, which is Washington's Assesment of Student Learning. I don't think it's an easy test and I am very proud of her. She want's to be an author and I do believe she will be.

What's been going on with me? I don't know how to catch up for 2 years so I won't try. I will hit high points and then try to be a better blogger. If I fail at blogging this time I just will have to realize I wasn't made to blog.

On July 3, 2008 I began a diet called Medifast. I have done every diet ever invented. I was so afraid to start this one because who wants to fail? But I was also desperate. I was 267lbs and 5'9". My BMI was 41 making me 'morbidly obese'. I was ashamed of my eating habits and my appearance. Fast forward to July 3, 2009, one year of dieting. I had lost 65lbs, down to 202 and dropped my BMI to 29. I was no longer 'morbidly obese' or 'obese' but just 'overweight.' I had tears. What an accomplishment. Only 35 more to go.

Then something happened..................

Depression. What an awful, awful thing to experience. Also a very misunderstood illness. Toward the end of July I started having trouble with my depression that had been under control for years. I couldn't get out of bed in the morning, almost not making it to work. Small tasks seemed so overwheming. By the end of the day I was so exhausted all I could do was come home and put my feet up. There went the diet. We had to eat microwave or drive-thru.

Now I know what a lot of people think...they say it to my face. "All you need to do is get up and go for a walk, you'll feel better." Those are the people that don't understand depression. You see, I wasn't "sad". I had nothing to be sad about. I was barley functioning though. I am not a lazy person and I was not using it as an excuse to not do anything. Depression is internal torture. Inside my brain I want to go for that walk, I want to clean my house, I want to get up without hitting the snooze button 6 times and being late everyday. I CAN'T. My body was craving quick energy, carbohydrates. I was cheating on the diet and then being so mad at myself making the depression worse. I finally stopped trying to do the diet all together until I could get the depression under control....that's where I am at right now.


[ Editing to add: Being that I have the diagnosis of Bipolar2 I would also like to add that I have never been hospitalized for anything related. I have never been arrested or went crazy doing irrisponsible things. I have raised a child by myself from the time she was 4. I went to college and worked at the same time. I have always provided a home and food. Obviously it hasn't been easy but I just want to say that the media can make those of us with a diagnosis look really extreme and that isn't always the case.]

I have gained about 20lbs. I hate it, but I feel I had no choice. I know there are those that won't ever understand, that's okay. I understand myself. I have been to several appointments with my doctor, made several changes in medication, and I am feeling sort of better but not 100%. I have a way to go but I am going to try to get back on track with Medifast.

Tomorrow is the day. I am afraid of failing. I am excited to feel better. I think that eating right helps with the energy level and how I feel about myself.

If you read this far....you are probably my mother. :)

Elevator Behavior

Have you ever watched people on the elevator? I have to ride 2 separate elevators just to get to work everyday. I have noticed there is certain behaviors people have on the elevator. In a crowded elevator everyone gets in and then turns around and faces front. Why don't they face each other and chat? Then when it stops and someone gets off, everyone shifts toward the walls. This behavior continues until everyone is lined up against the walls of the elevator. If there are only 2 or 3 people on the elevator we all look at our feet or the floor, as if there is something really interesting down there.

I am on the twelvth floor. I try to avoid the crowded elevators simply because of the time factor involved. Unfortunately it doesn't always work. Now... I know it's fun for kids to push buttons and I am all for teaching kids how to ride the elevator, but really...do they need to push every, single button in the elevator?! I am just trying to get to work!

Well, now that I am at work, I guess I should work.

Later...

Finally Here.

Okay Okay. It's been 5 months. I knew when I started this blog that something like this would happen. It's not like I haven't had time, just haven't had the forethought or the creative desire, or something. Now it's been so long it seems such a daunting task and hopefully it won't be too long and drawn out and boring for you; the reader.

During my 2 week battle with the flu in Feb. (last time I blogged). I thought it would be a great idea to run out and get a new cat! Yeah, we adopted a cat from the local shelter. Her name is Sashi. She is somewhat neurotic, coming from a home of a hoarder who had about 20 cats. The first 2 weeks she hid under my bed, but now she is a part of the family; constantly under foot tripping me and eating my plants.

March was an incredible month. As graduation was nearing, I was feverishly job hunting. The hair business just wasn't paying the bills and I was soooooo ready to do what I had been training for, for 2 years; Medical Coding and Billing. I feel so blessed! I got a great job with an Ear, Nose, Throat surgeon. I do all of the billing, coding and even the credentialing and compliance. The best part? I started work before I graduated! I didn't have to be in class the last 10 days of school! ( I think I was going to die if I had to spend one more day there.) The doctor also does facial plastic surgery and the surgery center is right in the office. Needless to say, I have seen some interesting things. I am now studying for my Certified Coding Specialist-Physician test. (CCS-P) It is an important credential in my career and not an easy test to pass. I hope to take it around September but...it depends on how studying goes.

Sydney and I decided that it would be best for her to go back to public school. I just couldn't do enough to keep her involved in the social activities she needed and she missed her friends. So in May she went back for the last 6 weeks of the school year. (Guess I should change the name of my blog to "Pamela and Sydney Don't Go To School".) Sydney had a hard time adjusting back into school life but it was okay because summer time came quickly. Now she is going on field trips with daycare and spending time with her close friends. She will be going to Horse Camp at the end of August for a week. It will be her first camp experience, I am sure she will do fine.

I am sure lots of things have happened, but I think I have included the big stuff. I promise I will try to keep up on my blog a bit better now. Don't forget to check the links at the bottom of the page!

Now, on to studying!

I could tell you about....

So here is my first post. There are so many things I could tell you about. For instance, I could tell you about how my daughter and I became parents to Tiki the parakeet, but that's not really interesting. (Except she does talk and thats rather fun for Sydney and me.) I could tell you about the day my daughter was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome on the same day we started bombing Afghanistan and how I needed a few days to really process all that negative stuff. I could tell you about the first time I went to see my Naturopath and stopped eating wheat, dairy, soy, eggs, sugar, alcohol and caffine. I could tell you about how I decided to go back to school and get my AAS in medical coding. I guess I could tell you lots of things, but why waste your time on stuff thats already happened? Let me tell you what's going on now.

I have 2 months left of school. 2 months! I can almost taste that new job, new apartment, new paycheck, new loan payment. I have already started the job hunt. There are lots of coder jobs out there, but they all want experienced and certified coders. I will get my certification this spring/summer. As far as experience? I need someone to give me a chance. I might end up taking a temp job for a while to get the experience under my belt.

Speaking of belts...Sydney got her yellow belt in karate! I was so proud of her. It gets harder and harder but she keeps trying and trying. She enjoys it a lot and wants to be a blackbelt someday.

Homeschool-We are studying American History and its going well. I am using a curriculum called "Sonlight" so it is already planned out for me. I am getting used to the idea that learning can take place even when you aren't behind a desk. We have a big map of the world and of the U.S. on the wall and we are learning about Columbus and Native Americans right now. Math and penmanship courses will have to go a bit slower but I think I am on the right track with her. The most important thing right now is to build up her self esteem in math.

So, I have written my first blog. I wonder if i will be able to keep up with it. Until next......